Is your partner distracted?
It's been a while since you've seen your partner as committed as they used to be. They might be distracted when they're with you, or worst case scenario are resentful of your company.
What should you do when your partner is distracted when they're with you?
One of the most difficult parts of relationships is dealing with the potential heart-breaking moment when your partner starts to pull away. You look for any signs that can show what could be causing this sudden change in attention, but you can't find anything to explain it. When this starts to happen, it's easy to feel like you've lost your connection or that your partner doesn't love or want you anymore.
We’ve come up with reasons why your partner may be distracted when they’re with you, as well as solutions to help support your relationship.
💻 Your partner might just be really busy
A lot of partners can be distracted by work or their own thoughts. You may think that they are not interested in you anymore, which is why you've been feeling lonely lately. If your partner is distracted, don't get angry. Instead, try to understand what is bothering them and talk about it privately. It’s also important you confront you partner about the way you feel, but aim to avoid using aggression or frustration in your tone as it might make them uncomfortable. Instead, work on how to accommodate their schedule and find a way to spend quality time together.
The reality is, in a situation where it involves your partner working too much, you might need a long-term solution in order to avoid being left alone for too long. Partners are encouraged to have their own hobbies and interests outside the relationship. In addition, expecting your partner to be your whole world whilst wanting the same in return could result in you being in a bad position. In most cases, if your partner is working hard and long hours, it’s usually a positive indication they want a better life that you can both enjoy, so take the time to understand their situation and brainstorm some ways you can also spend your days without feeling alone. This could be through picking up a new hobby, socialising with friends, reading a book, or simply giving yourself some pamper and music time.
Top tip: initiate a movie night, or a date night – no phones, no laptops. Just the two of you!
💔 They’re upset about something
It can be difficult for some people to figure out what their partner wants or needs from them. Sometimes it's because we're not paying enough attention and sometimes because we're just having a bad day and we're feeling moody. Whatever the case, it can be frustrating not knowing why our partners are unhappy with something, someone, or if they would like something from us.
The good news is that there are some simple steps you can take to try and understand your partner better so you can fix whatever may be wrong in the relationship:
Step 1: Listen for patterns in their responses
The first step is listening for patterns in their response. You might hear words like "annoyed" or "upset" again and again. This could be indicative of their feelings - maybe they're always angry because something is always bothering them? Regardless of the negative emotion or reaction your partner gives you, try to be understanding and let them know you are grateful they are willing to open up to you about the sensitive topic.
Step 2: Restate what they said in order to validate their feelings
When your partner is upset, you should not try to fix them. Instead, you should listen and validate their feelings. Validating someone’s feelings is not about agreeing with them or making your partner feel better, it is about acknowledging what they are feeling. Validation might seem like a small thing that doesn't do much, but it can make a big difference in how someone feels.
The goal of validation is to understand the person’s experience by summarizing their words back to them in a way that shows that you have heard what they have said without judgment or challenge. If the problem is you, follow up with a simple apology and let them know you’ll improve, or make it up to them. If the problem is about anything else, follow up with step 3.
Step 3: Discuss potential coping mechanisms
Coping mechanisms are helpful when dealing with negative emotions. They are what you would do to release the tension or distress in your body. There are many different coping mechanisms that people use to deal with their stress, but there is no one size fits all. Everyone copes differently and it's important to find what is helpful for your partner.
Telling someone ‘don’t worry’, or ‘it’ll be okay’ are great things to hear, but try to drift the conversation off into sharing coping mechanisms. Initiating to run them a bath, or saying you’d love to go for a walk together, are perfect ways of actioning a positive outcome which will help alleviate their problems. Listening to uplifting music is also a sure way of lightening up the mood. Show your partner it’s okay to be sad, but you’re here to make them happy.
⌛ Is the honeymoon phase really over?
At Lonaco, we’re hopeless romantics, and would love to believe that the honeymoon phase never ends. The reality is, honeymoon phases are named phases for a reason. In the beginning, partners often think that their relationship is perfect. In the long run, this phase might wear off, particularly when people begin feeling complacent and so used to it all.
Here's a scenario of how one would typically feel:
“I love my boyfriend a lot, but lately I feel like he is so distracted when he’s with me. He doesn't listen to me when I talk to him and he always has an excuse for not going out with me at least once a week. We used to have so much fun together. Is it over?”
In the early stages of a relationship, both partners are trying to impress each other all the time and this constant need for validation makes it exciting. But over time, this feeling of excitement gradually dissipates and both partners may start to take each other for granted.
The first thing you should do is talk to your partner and let them know you are aware of their distracted behaviour. The last thing you should do is jump to conclusions and assume it is over for your relationship. Usually, the other person just needs a nudge so that they are conscious of their actions (or lack of), and if they care enough they will put the energy back in to reconcile for how they’ve made you feel.